Memoir

@19310:1138

All my life, I have been doing nothing. I am shocked at this realization. In the pre-intermediate days, I do not know much. I just took the life as it is. I made my choices at will and of course suffered the consequences, but I was never worried.

Immediately after completion of my tenth, I do not know from where I gained a lot of confidence or overconfidence you may say, I dreamed of topping the state in academics. I never did that before, never even toped the class in my school days except in UKG and 1^st. How could I aspire such a big thing? By the end of first two week-ends, the reality revealed itself. I am nowhere. I couldn’t even complete the class work taught for a week in a week. Nevertheless, I found a solution around the problem. The thing I did was not new. All my tenth, I have been doing the same thing. It didn’t do any damage but only increased my lethargy.

The results of first year quarterly exams came as a shocker. I stood among the top five in my class with 91.4% if I remember exactly. I need to remember the eight days before those exams. I sincerely followed the 8:30-19:40 time table in the college. I did what I am good at. The results showed themselves. I am satisfied. But that didn’t stop me from my time wastes and laziness at home. I continued doing what I was doing with the week-ends. Not only the deeds with the week-ends, had I have done a lot more things which an average teenager does. Nevertheless, I could get out of intermediate with 929 marks and with an EAMCET rank of 8399 which helped me land in a rather good college. All the time, I know I could do better but every time I felt complacent with the results.

All the time, I have the habit of making the wrong choices only to be proved so by the outcome of the results. I desperately tried for an admission in FIITJEE, I even attempted SAT and TOEFL after I paid Rs. 25000 for the first year of b-tech. Those are totally bad things to do as the results proved. I lacked direction. My parents always leave me with my choices, so, they were never wrong.

Exasperation

Here it comes, the whole reason for the writing of this memoir. When I look back at the last 5-7 years, I am not proud of my deeds. I always have the habit of doing the wrong thing at the right time. I mean, doing the things which are not ought to be done at the moment. I can do nothing more than being exasperated at myself. I buried many days of the past 7 years. After all these days of continuous underachievement, I couldn’t even dream high now. I think I know the problem, if I am right, I am sure that I can make everything straight at least now. I have the task at hand; all that I have to do is accomplish it.

- Vindian Smiles @19310:1216